Its still all very sombre here and quite rightly so, I don’t feel happy with moaning publicly right now so I thought I would share something with you that seriously annoys the fuck out of me for some light hearted humour..
I am a self confessed ‘germaphobe’ (which feeds my OCD which feeds my emetophobia which feeds my anxiety – that chain is nearly as big as the Human Caterpillar haha gross! anyway…) I don’t have an issue with colds its bodily fluid!!! although when shopping last week the cashier decided that the best way to start a conversation with me was by saying ‘I’m getting a cold‘.. a little shocked about her topic of conversation at first my head thoughts then went racing away – Well isn’t that bloody fantastic love, my day will be so much better for knowing that and you know what?, I’m trying to deal with my own shit here, a weeks worth of shopping with a two year old who is about to meltdown because her chosen sweets are about to get bagged which will then make me the worst mum ever – this is my priory right now, not making you feel better about your cold…
So, bearing my disgust for bodily fluid in mind. When a cashier LICKS THEIR FINGER to open up a plastic carrier bag – OH MY FUCKING DAYS – you may as well get your tongue and lick the whole bag. It absolutely one hundred per cent grosses me out!! I actually want to SCREAM at them. Or ask them if they could now give me another bag without putting their wet DNA all over it!!…so far I have restrained myself from potential rudeness, but one day – its going to happen. There are some shops that have a sponge thingy that they can rub their finger on to make it moist and give enough friction to prize the plastic apart.. Good on you for doing that and its your shop that I want to shop in!
The Perfect Wannabe
If ever there was a day to be sad today is the day, they are taking our babies.
The attack last night saw mindless killings of people who had gone out for the night, to have a good time, to make memories. The attack showed me that these extreme terrorist groups show no discrimination as to whether these victims are young or old. I maybe rather foolishly thought that they would leave our children out of this – how was wrong was I.
My head and heart cannot even begin to understand the pain that the victims families must be feeling right now, the grief, the anger, the want for revenge? The ‘What-ifs’ playing around in their heads. The want and need to have one more hug, one more kiss one more ‘I love you’… As a mother, these thoughts destroy me. I will send you my prayers tonight.
Manchester, hold strong. Our Kingdom is United and together we will support you.
Much more Love than ever,
Me and Mine.
I fell into the trap! the ‘have children and its time to not bother about yourself’ trap. When I had my first born I was going through yet another shit stage in my life.. BUT I had a beautiful baby! What I learnt over the years and after having two more children is that we CAN still look after ourselves!
I wore the same clothes day in and day out (they were clean I promise) I have always been house proud and always have a wash on so I could never entertain wearing dirty clothes, but what I did start ‘entertaining’ was the shit hair look, the worn out clothes, wearing trainers ALL the time, no make up, just not giving a flying fuck what I looked like! Its like I had attracted the ‘mate’, ‘mated’ and had my children which was my purpose in life – wasn’t it? NO, my purpose was to fall in love, have children and live happily every after looking like Cinderella 24/7 – wrong!!
Well I got some of it right… I’m never going to look like Cinders but I can try and I can do it because I want to make MYSELF look and feel good. Not for a man, so my children can see the value of self worth, so they can love themselves, looking good is feeling good. I want compliments – is that wrong? I was looking for some praise once and I was once told that I was ‘not a puppy dog’, that hurt, surely we all need praise to a degree? it keeps my moving forward at times and its a good show of appreciation too! We all want that ‘wanted’ feeling – don’t we?
So next time you are feeling crap and look at yourself in the mirror, try to show some love to that reflection cos no other fucker will unless of course you have an amazingly tentative, sensitive partner! We are all trying to find this ‘perfect thing’ that we over look what is actually right in front of us and extremely beautiful. YOU.
The Perfect Wannabe
Pressure, pressure, pressure. why do we do it to ourselves. Some people thrive under it whilst others wilt.. I thrive at first then wilt very slowly! I am now awaiting my end of year results..its way too hard being patient!!
I’m not really sure where I was on the day where we had the meeting with the careers advisor…I didn’t like school and tried my hardest to not go – I was not in the right place mentally so thinking about what I wanted to do for the rest of my life wasn’t really on my list of priorities!
However, last year I was reunited with an old school teacher who had really inspired me when I was at school.. I kind of wish he had given me a good shake and told me to snap out of it!…but hey, that wasn’t his job. Anyway, upon our chat of reminiscing and me thinking ‘wow I’m in my 30’s now yet I still feel I’m a child talking to you’ moment, he made me see that if I want something then I should go for it. He flooded me with self belief, of praise and gave me a sense that he really did believe in me and that I COULD do it. He believes in me. So I decided to do something that I wish I had done many years ago, my Law Degree. To hear someone say that they believe in you and who ARE NOT your family is quite something. I felt EMPOWERED… I enrolled, I am a Law student…cool hey! and my oh my do I love it. Its tricky and there is a shit load of work but I want it. What I didn’t want was the pressure, the fucking pressure to be perfect. I am not prefect. I really hate it (well hate is a strong word so may not be the correct word) when people invest their shit in you.. belief is the word! I feel an emotional ‘thing’ like if I was to do shit I am letting him down or if I was to quit – not likely, but if I did I don’t want to be that disappointment, see, now this is what I’m talking about, all the feelings under the ‘pressure umbrella’… I want people to be proud of me, give me praise – I need it! praise stops the wilting process!!!
Pass or fail only July will tell.. But when I graduate, I hope my old teacher can see what he did, he gave an old student self belief.
So as I am new to all of this, I thought I should share some of my ‘quirks’ or annoyances’ so you get to know me as a ‘blogger’… I am emotional!
I’m 34 and I have noticed with age brings emotion. I haven’t really been an overly emotional person. I had a lot of bad shit happen in my early life and I learnt well how to keep things in and not talk.
I made myself realise that actually its good to talk, talking is a healer for me, it hurts but it gets it out and that is good!.. but over the past few years I get so overwhelmed, whether it be from a fond memory, a beautiful song or maybe just a situation where I can feel pure love from my children. I think now that I am older, I can see the truth out there, the natural beauty and innocence rather than fake shit which is meaningless and soulless.
I am a true blue scorpion, I love hard, I am a deep person but once you fuck with me and hurt me, it takes a very special person to have a second chance, only two people have ever hurt me and I mean hurt me, I chose to do what I would never have naturally done and that was to let them back into my life because I loved them – it was worth it. There are many others that got ‘fucked off’ over the years and yes I miss them but they hurt me way too much to ‘let it go’… I think it shows a lot about your character too, don’t let yourself be a walk over, if you let people treat you like shit I think that you need to be prepared that they may take advantage of that..
A couple of years back I made a New Years resolution to start saying ‘No’… I was fed up of being polite! Not in a ‘manners’ way but in a way where I felt i had to say yes just because I didn’t want to hurt someones feelings – I have feelings don’t I? or do I have to forgo my feelings in order to protect that persons feelings? for example… a friend giving me some old clothes for my youngest. I looked at these clothes and I didn’t want them, I just didn’t fucking want them!!! BUT what do you do in this situation? do you politely say ‘Thank you’ and take them to the nearest charity shop or do you say ‘No thank you, lovely offer and all that, but no thank you’… and there it is – the word ‘NO’….people do not like it, they take offence to it.. I cannot begin to tell you how much this annoys me, RESPECT my ‘NO’. If you say this word, all of a sudden you are an ungrateful bitch or a snob! I fully admit I can be a snob! but because I said ‘NO’ it made me an ungrateful bitch – amazing isn’t it!! My Emet and OCD do play a part sometimes in why I may not want to take something else that was previously owned but nonetheless my ‘No’ is a No and to those people that ignore that, please start listening, please!
The Perfect Wannabe
Yes, another crazy bitch jumping on the ‘blog bandwagon’ and I say – why not! Amongst all the other reasons why this is such a great way to communicate and unite you will have to forgive my poor grammar at times, but hey I’m sure we aren’t all perfect….right?
So a bit about me, I’m a Mum to three children, I have a boyfriend – life partner sounds better? I have emetophobia (fear of sick) which is absolutely shit – I have a facebook group for support if you need it, it’s called Emetophobia and being a mum. I also suffer with OCD and anxiety, a skin condition and I am doing my Law degree – oh and I’m EXTREMELY overweight too! but thinking about Slimming world? Not going to lie, it is hard work, balancing home life, children, study, house work, trying to be fucking perfect and stuff! (I think sometimes we feel we are only aloud to say that if you are a full-time worker AND a Mum…) totally not the case… if its hard work then it hard work – end of, no need to have to explain yourself!
I want to connect with you all, all you stressed lovelies, anxious ones, OCD ones, emet ones, skin lurgy ones, hard work or NON hard-working ones, and intellectual ones! Sometimes we need to vent, I get so tense these days and feel like no one listens – ‘hi brick wall, great conversation last night…’ you get it yeh?
Please do not get offended, I don’t do hate but I do like a bitch – I cant help myself, its like a guilty pleasure – but we aren’t on this beautiful earth for long enough to get all snotty about somethings. Some of my blogs wont be for you all..that’s fine.. I just hope that you can read and relate.. to know that you aren’t alone, to have a little chuckle when you are feeling a bit glum – we all need that..
So I’m going to leave this ‘thing’ here, ‘ not quite sure of its journey and how it will get to you all – my ‘life partner’ assures me it will…. I want to do this regulatory so lets give it a go!
The perfect Wannabe