Pressure, pressure, pressure. why do we do it to ourselves. Some people thrive under it whilst others wilt.. I thrive at first then wilt very slowly! I am now awaiting my end of year results..its way too hard being patient!!
I’m not really sure where I was on the day where we had the meeting with the careers advisor…I didn’t like school and tried my hardest to not go – I was not in the right place mentally so thinking about what I wanted to do for the rest of my life wasn’t really on my list of priorities!
However, last year I was reunited with an old school teacher who had really inspired me when I was at school.. I kind of wish he had given me a good shake and told me to snap out of it!…but hey, that wasn’t his job. Anyway, upon our chat of reminiscing and me thinking ‘wow I’m in my 30’s now yet I still feel I’m a child talking to you’ moment, he made me see that if I want something then I should go for it. He flooded me with self belief, of praise and gave me a sense that he really did believe in me and that I COULD do it. He believes in me. So I decided to do something that I wish I had done many years ago, my Law Degree. To hear someone say that they believe in you and who ARE NOT your family is quite something. I felt EMPOWERED… I enrolled, I am a Law student…cool hey! and my oh my do I love it. Its tricky and there is a shit load of work but I want it. What I didn’t want was the pressure, the fucking pressure to be perfect. I am not prefect. I really hate it (well hate is a strong word so may not be the correct word) when people invest their shit in you.. belief is the word! I feel an emotional ‘thing’ like if I was to do shit I am letting him down or if I was to quit – not likely, but if I did I don’t want to be that disappointment, see, now this is what I’m talking about, all the feelings under the ‘pressure umbrella’… I want people to be proud of me, give me praise – I need it! praise stops the wilting process!!!
Pass or fail only July will tell.. But when I graduate, I hope my old teacher can see what he did, he gave an old student self belief.